I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
