Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
