i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
