I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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