The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
