I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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