remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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