The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
People in love make me want to vomit
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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