I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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