I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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