At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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