I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
