The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
