YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
