I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
