Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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