I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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