we'll go far in life on tits alone.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
