i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i believe in u and ur pee
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
