drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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