Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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