no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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