Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
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