everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
