I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
