Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
