where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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