I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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