And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
