i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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