Kiss
Puke
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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