It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
