Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
