mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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