Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
