I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
