i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
