I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
