At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's official drugs can't kill me
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
