That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
There r osticjed everywhere
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
