I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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