I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
