Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
