how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
