I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
