I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
