I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
