he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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