1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
