We're like a lot better than the average bears
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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